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  • St. P

How to Be THE BEST Kid YOU Can Be! (1982 Edition)

Man, being a kid these days is tough. Ever since you grew teeth and learned how to wipe your ass, you’ve had responsibilities. Let’s face it: between homework, selling Tupperware door to door, and managing your parents’ household, there are few precious hours for you to spend watching TV alone in the dark. The world can seem like a pretty daunting place.

To help you be THE BEST kid YOU can be, I have put together nine simple pointers, easy enough for any moron to follow:

  1. Do not speak to adults unless they ask you a question. (Note: this does not apply to rhetorical questions.)

  2. If you’ve done something that merits a good whipping, such as burning the Hamburger Helper, it’s probably best to run away for a couple of days until things blow over.

  3. If asked whether “you think this is funny,” do not respond. This is likely a rhetorical question.

  4. Also, if asked whether “you want something to cry about,” do not respond. This is another possible example of a rhetorical question, to which there is no correct answer.

  5. Before cleaning the toilet, be aware that mixing bleach and ammonia will produce a toxic gas that can kill you. So remember to turn the vent on in advance.

  6. Look in all directions when biking across the highway to pick up your mom’s prescriptions.

  7. It is always acceptable to lie about your age when your parents try to purchase your child-priced ticket to a Rated-R movie.

  8. If you’ve driven your parents to divorce, identify ways to make yourself cuter and thinner, so you don’t constantly remind them of their own physical shortcomings.

  9. Lastly, try to avoid things like: music that contains Satanic messages when played backward, crack, AIDS, and global thermonuclear war.

If followed carefully, these tips are guaranteed to set you on the path to becoming THE BEST kid YOU can be, and to finally winning your parents’ love!

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