- St. P
Welcome Home! Your Guide to Corporate Reintegration
Congratulations on your return to the office! You’ve been eagerly anticipating this moment since you were threatened with termination if you did not come back. But just as astronauts need time to reacclimate and purge their minds of extra-terrestrial propaganda when returning to Earth, you, too, might need time to adjust your way of thinking to the new/old corporate environment. Fortunately, your frenemies in Human Resources have prepared this useful guide to make your transition as seamless as possible.
Take the Initiative
If you suspect that something needs to be done, don’t wait to be asked. Be proactive. Create a spreadsheet that includes numbers. Transform the spreadsheet into an attractive chart and e-mail it to everyone in the office. Then, sit back and bask in the admiration of your colleagues.
Don’t Not Take the Initiative
If your boss asks you to do something unethical, keep your naïve misgivings to yourself. Instead, seize the opportunity to wow her with your cowardice and just get the job done. Any useless pangs of conscience you might feel will be more than offset by the moist leftover birthday cake in the break room!
Spread Holiday Mirth
Holidays are rife with opportunity to foster feelings of warmth and camaraderie with your co-workers. On the 4th of July, up your “pizazz” factor by staging an impromptu fireworks display in the parking garage. Surprise your colleagues at the Thanksgiving potluck with a pungent ethnic dish from the most unexpected part of an animal. And of course, at Christmas, don’t forget to sing happy birthday to everyone’s favorite lord and savior, the infant Jesus Christ.
Conform Conform Connform!
Think of the colors black, off-black, grey and gray as your form of camouflage. Just like in the wild, bright colors and shirts without collars can invite unwanted behaviors, such as neck sniffing, being asked to contribute to a colleague’s baby shower, and murder.
Since your clothes won’t be doing the talking, use your unique attributes to find ways to make your mark. Become a subject matter expert with unrivaled knowledge, so your bosses will rely on your wise counsel. If that is not a viable option for you, make frequent appearances in the office gym and expel a signature grunt when lifting heavy objects.
We trust that this useful guide will help prevent humiliating social pitfalls and most major musculoskeletal injuries. But please also be patient as you embark on the painful process of shedding the traumatic memories of your remote work experience. Be heartened by our preliminary tests on laboratory animals, which suggest that, by following these reintegration techniques, you will eventually regain 75% of your former brain function. And only a 9% chance of growing a small, almost undetectable tail.