Reflections on Winning with White People
Updated: Jul 1, 2020
Growing up, my mom and dad had four records. Fortunately for me, one of them was Kenny Rogers’ Greatest Hits. In his greatest hit “The Gambler,” Kenny told us that “every hand’s a winner, and every hand’s a loser.” And he was right. In life, you’ve got to win with the hand you’re dealt.
Unfortunately, winning can be a little more difficult when you're not white. For starters, you're not white. But believe me, someone who isn’t white – there are many ways to “win” with white people. And one guaranteed way to do that is to sing “The Gambler” at office karaoke outings.
Things you’ll need:
· an office job;
· coworkers that like you;
· a voice comparable to Kenny Rogers; and
· (for women only) a non-threatening, shapeless outfit that implies you have a human body. *
Pro tip: Don’t forget to sing with confidence!
Things you should avoid: rap music, songs sung in Spanish or other languages (except international sign language), dancing or sudden movements that might be construed as dancing, eating food, and the use of wigs or props that resemble weapons.
For maximum results, take time during guitar and keyboard solos to recognize your colleagues for their work on recent projects.
If all else fails and you’re losing the audience, consider falling off the stage. By the time the ambulance arrives, everyone will have forgotten your lackluster performance!
Sure, it's your fault that you're not white. But don't let that get between you and the big promotion that you're twice as qualified for than the white guy who was in your boss' fraternity. Go download Kenny Rogers' Greatest Hits now. Splurge at J. Crew on that special outfit that whispers: "Help me, I'm dead inside." Then let the winning begin!
*Note: If you have excessive facial hair or a foreign accent, consider staying at home.