So it’s International Women’s Day. And I think I speak for women everywhere when I say it’s time to start doing hard street drugs.
And that I should get a raise.
Of course I’m joking. I don’t deserve a raise. But there isn’t enough wine in the greater tri-state area to get me through the rest of this year.
At stressful times like these, self-care is essential. My grandmother had a third-grade education and a mustache, but she was one of the wisest women I’ve ever known with a third-grade education and a mustache. She used to say: “Your health is the most important thing,” as she drank Wild Turkey from an emptied Oil of Olay bottle, because she was also an incorrigible alcoholic. But she was so wise.
The problem is that it’s hard to stay healthy and sane in this crazed new world. Now I’m not pretending to have all the “answers” or whatever. But if you’re feeling on the edge like me, I offer up a few life-affirming suggestions to get through the day, informed by my years of watching American TV:
1) While in the shower, sensuously work the shampoo in your hair into a rich lather, and laugh while rinsing it off.
2) Roll around naked in a bed full of rose petals. Note: watch out for thorns!
If neither helps, you can always throw a kegger at your parent’s house while they’re away and invite your entire high school senior class. Because: SPRING BREAK!!!
Still, sometimes, after I finish my nightly facial-hair-care regimen, I lie awake with worry. Scared of where we're headed as a nation. And I wish I had a magic Sharpie to change the trajectory of this country. The kind of magic Sharpie that changed the trajectory of Hurricane Dorian. But then, I remember Melania’s words: “Be best.” And I know she’s right. A being verb, with an adjective. She could have just said: “Am okay,” but no. Instead, she challenged us.
And so, on this International Women’s Day, I encourage all women to find inspiration wherever they can. From best women - like Melania, Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, and The Dixie Chicks – who have shown us all that when women speak their truths, it matters. To other women. Sometimes.
Cheers, ladies.
